


Research

by kadollan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-05
Updated: 2011-08-05
Packaged: 2017-10-22 06:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadollan/pseuds/kadollan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luna enlists Harry's help with a research project.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Research

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-compliant through year 5, this was written in 2004 for the harry_a_thon on LJ (my first fest.) While I was editing it, I realized I'd written it before Evanna Lynch had been cast as Luna in the movies, but I have no trouble picturing her while reading it.
> 
> Thanks to my betas jessofthebugs, cybermathwitch and the_disco_fairy. Between them, they made this better. Any resultant crackiness is purely my own responsibility. And it is cracky. Consider yourself warned.

“Harry Potter, I need you.”

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, had at various times-and in varying states of undress-imagined hearing those words come from a woman. He had not, however, imagined hearing them issue forth from the lips of a peculiar Ravenclaw with little plastic dinosaurs hanging from her ears. Ever. Harry was briefly reminded of being trapped under the mistletoe with Luna in the Room of Requirement. Where was a nargle when you needed one?

“Uh?” Harry replied intelligently. He turned to Ron for help, but his best mate, most stalwart friend, had abandoned him in his hour of need. Waving apologetically, Ron was heading for the door of the Great Hall. This would probably be the first and only time Ron would ever be on time for Divination.

“Well, um, its been great talking, Luna, but I’ve got to get to class.”

“No you don’t. This is your free period.” Luna didn’t seem to be the least bit perturbed by Harry’s failed attempt to escape. She sat down in Ron’s hastily emptied seat at the Gryffindor table and studied Harry intently.

“I need you, Harry. Moreover, you need me.” She glanced down at Ron’s abandoned plate. “You should never eat celery, you know. Father did an article about a woman in Suffolk who was stalked by her vegetables. Every time she stepped into her garden they were out there. Waiting.”

Throughout this very surreal and mostly one-sided conversation, Harry decided two things. First, Ron would pay, and pay big for leaving him like this. Second, while concentrating on Voldemort, Harry had clearly overlooked a far greater evil blossoming under his very nose. Luna Lovegood was a menace.

“Luna, what are we talking about? Why do we need each other exactly?” Harry was hesitant to ask. He wasn’t certain he wanted to know the answer.

“Research. You’re going to be my Guinea-Wizard.”

“I am?”

“Wonderful!” Luna clapped her hands together, “I wasn’t certain you’d agree.” She started digging in her bag and pulled out a copy of her father’s magazine, a parchment, a bedraggled quill, and a dog-eared paperback book. The book had the same sort of lurid cover as the romance novels his Aunt Petunia pretended that she didn’t read. Harry picked up the book, wondering why Luna had such a thing. He flipped through it, waiting for Luna to explain what she wanted with him. The phrases “throbbing man-root” and “honey dripping chasm of love” caught his eye, nearly causing him to choke. He quickly set the book back down and wondered if his face had actually turned the color of a tomato, or if it only felt that way.

“These are my research materials,” Luna explained, waving at the things she’d pulled from her bag.

He started to get a very bad feeling about where this was going.

“Luna, what exactly are you researching?”

“Smut. Love. Teen angst. Hormones.” With each answer Harry’s feeling of dread intensified.

“Beg pardon?” Harry’s voice, which had changed two years earlier, broke.

“Oh yes. See, my father asked me to start a new column for The Quibbler. He wants me to write a teen sex-advice column. I mean, not sex-sex. Just sex.” Harry was certain that Luna was trying to communicate something to him, but he was having trouble concentrating over the buzzing in his ears. “Anyway, since I haven’t any experience myself, and its obvious you don’t either, I thought we could help each other out.”

That penetrated. “Hey! What do you mean it’s obvious?”

The look Luna gave him was patronizing. “Really, Harry. Everybody knows. I mean, When you kissed Cho last year, she _cried_. I mean honestly.” Luna shook her head sadly.

“Everybody?!? Everybody who?”

“Well, all the girls in Ravenclaw. And Hufflepuff. I’ve no idea about Slytherin.”

Harry put his head down on the table, narrowly missing his oatmeal. “I cannot believe we are having this conversation,” he announced in the general direction of his armpit.

“I know. Strange isn’t it? Anyway, let’s go to the library. We still have about forty-five minutes and we can cover some of the basics. I thought we could do kissing, petting, groping, and possibly even fondling today.” She was consulting her parchment as she talked. “Does that work for you?”

Harry squeaked.

“What do you mean by _do_ , exactly?”

“Oh, Harry!" Luna looked sympathetic. "You need this worse than I thought.” She gathered up her things and stood expectantly, clearly waiting for Harry to get up and follow her.

Harry found that he was a little intrigued in spite of himself. He did rather wonder, though, what kissing someone who wasn’t sobbing at the time might feel like. And alright, Luna wouldn’t have been his first choice - but hey, she’d been doing some reading, so she probably had a better idea of what to do than he did.

Harry smiled nervously and swallowed. "Isn't the library a little, ah...public?"

"I suppose it is a bit, at that. Perhaps the Room of Requirement would be better." Luna smiled serenely and held out her hand.

Feeling as though he’d wandered into some sort of strange alternate dimension, Harry took it.


End file.
